As any grocery shopper of the reusable canvas-bag variety knows and has been salivating in anticipation for, Trader Joe’s has come to Houston’s Inner Loop at last. Settled in the old Alabama Theater next to Zake Sushi and Whole Earth Provision Company at W. Alabama and S. Shepherd, Trader Joe’s opened its doors September 21 to hordes of Montrose hipsters, curious foodies and Lululemon-clad women.

Trader Joe’s, which is a California-based chain, is not a typical gourmet organic store with regards to classic (or perhaps obsolete) grocery store standards, namely, the bounty of organic, all-natural perishable items. However, given the nearly claustrophobic closeness of H*E*B, Kroger’s, Central Market and Whole Foods marketplaces, perhaps an emphasis on an alternative niche in the “natural health foods” industry is wise.

And that’s where Trader Joe’s strikes gold. With its vast array of pre-packaged goods, every cuisine is covered: Italian pizza, Indian saag paneer, Mexican veggie enchiladas, Japanese mochi ice cream, to really list a paltry few. And the selections are all without artificial flavoring, colors, preservatives, genetic modifications, MSG and trans fats. Most packaging also perkily highlights any additional benefits such as: Vegetarian! Vegan! Gluten-free! Kosher! Fat Free!

Even the Deco feel of the refurbished movie theater draws you into the seduction of the ready-made meal. Bright signage advertises the small produce section’s assortment of fruits and veggies, sold by the piece. (Bananas are 19 cents each; onions are 69 cents each.) But why buy a single fresh apple when you could get 10 dried apples’ worth of slices in an easy-zip bag? The fluorescent lights draw you further into the store, where the packaged paradise begins, running along the side wall of the store and culminating in three small aisles and the giant avenue of frozen food, with all your cookie and sweet tooth desires product-placed in clear plastic containers above the freezers.

And there is a cheeky holler to cinema palace-roots with the giant bags of Trader Joe’s label theater popcorn prominently available for grabbing just after you leave the well-stocked wine and beer section at the rear of the store. Speaking of labeling: Just about every item is a Trader Joe’s-branded product.

Which brings me to the Holy Grail of budget shopping: wine for $2.99, NOT in a box. I had never seen such a wonder before and decided to test the quality of the Trader Joe’s Bronco Valley Wine Company’s “Charles Shaw Blends” and purchased bottles of the Pinot Grigio and the Shiraz.

The Shiraz was surprisingly full-bodied, dusty, with a currant undertone and hint of citrus as it opened up. However, the idyllic interlude of wine heaven on a budget came to a quick and harsh end with the Pinot Grigio, which tasted, essentially, like white grape juice. I’m no longer a Welch’s kid and have no desire to return to those days.

Perhaps to ease my pain, I will unfreeze and devour a tin of mac n’cheese, which I sampled at the refreshment station, located just past the skimpy produce section. The irony is not lost on me, dear reader. When I visited, I gobbled the morsel of deliciously creamy, cheesy goodness, alongside a five-year-old boy and his yoga-outfit-clad mom and wondered whether it was made fresh? Naturally, I was informed, boasted to even, that this was just a fabulous frozen product.

I tried to resist, but my cook-your-own food idealism disappeared as fast as that mac n’cheese, and I left the store laden with not only that product but also green chili chicken enchiladas and tikka masala. I tell myself I’m just curious and that was a one-time lapse, but I know I’ll be back with my canvas sacks, casting a surreptitious eye behind me.

In short, the re-vamped movie posters painted on the walls with witticisms such as “Gentleman Prefer Blonde Ales” and “Wizard of O’s” have it right: The more frozen, packaged and non-perishable an item is, the better to purchase it here. The “fresh” carrot juice I tasted was atrocious, and the spinach I bought has already gone sallow and moist. The mochi ice cream and eggplant hummus, however, still retain their preservative-free glow.

My chocolate drawer is also decidedly content, having been filled to the brim with an assortment of free-trade varieties (karma points!) strategically placed near the very long, but briskly moving check-out lines. Chocolate selection is a critical criterion of grocery store judgment in my book, one that most people fail to take due note of.

Ultimately, what gave me the biggest chuckle of my Trader Joe’s-comes-to-Houston experience occurred when I took my cloth bags into H*E*B the next morning for my actual weekly grocery shopping … and espied a sign proclaiming $2.99 wine. The wine wars have begun.

TRADER JOE’S 2922 South Shepherd Drive, 713-526-4034 traderjoes.com